You won’t regret it.
You won’t regret it.
I say, what the devil did you just audaciously proclaim about my well-being, you trollop? I shall inform you that I have graduated top of my class at the Gentleman’s Academy of Sophisticated Persons, and have been involved in numerous endeavors with the Ruffians down the street from my abode; might I also add that I’ve accumulated over 300 pieces of antique furniture? I am educated in fine dining and high class catering and I’m the top Victorian era furniture appraiser in the entire high society. You are naught to me but a simple, uncouth brute. I shall embarrass the dickens out of you with class the likes of which has never been witnessed before on this humble planet, I solemnly promise. You assume you can disrespect my image on the internet? Think again, savage. As we speak I am contacting my diligent secretary to arrange a brunch together at the finest coffee shop in town, so you had better prepare a fetching enough outfit to compete with my immaculate attire, barbarian. The brunch that sends you packing back to the countryside. You are inevitably defeated, heathen. I can be booked at any appointment, any hour, and I can educate you in over seven hundred cultures, and that’s just with the literary selection in my guest lobby. Not only am I extensively fluent in in several languages, I have access to the entire Giorgio Armani fall collection and I will flaunt it’s finely tailored mastery to outshine your drab, common appearance off the face of humanity, you slob. If only you had foreseen the kind of comeuppance your inflammatory “insignificant” comment was bound to earn you, perhaps you would have tempered your words. But you insisted, and now I will teach you manners and grace and you will learn dignity and poise, yet. Consider yourself in etiquette school, peasant.
Oh god, why?
That’s right. Today, we’re going to talk about boobs.
It seems that exposed breasts in public aren’t an issue, as long as the nipple isn’t visible. I’m not quite sure why the nipple is a bad thing. It keeps babies alive, which might seem evil at first, but eventually those babies grow into people. Of course, that’s also evil, but not as evil as babies. Seriously. Babies are out for your blood.
Nobody seems to have an issue with nipples on men being shown in public. I’m no feminist, despite being a female, but nipples on men do nothing.
At least boobs are actually helping people.
My favorite mode of transportation is every mode of transportation, as long as I’m over at least 10,000 feet in the air. I actually LOVE planes. When it comes to discussions involving flying, I’m one of the few people who just sit there and don’t say anything. I despise babies with a burning passion, but that fact that I can ingest skybrew (ginger ale) while flying higher than Bob Marley makes up for their endless screaming. Just realize the fact that you’re in a giant metal tube that has the potential to fly higher than Bob Marley (I like that phrase. Don’t judge me.), sit the fuck down, and just zone out.
Ah, yes, babies. I’ve already mentioned them twice, so it’s only fair that I devote a whole section to these screaming masses of flesh. We were all babies once, but now that we are “enlightened”, we have the right to complain about them. Damn, I love self-ridicule. Anyway, back on topic.
For you less educated folks, “baby” is a term for an infant. A young human. A very young human, to be precise, usually below the age of 2. However, some babies have surpassed the age of 16 and have become known to people worldwide. They often scream repeatedly regardless of what you do to try and satisfy their needs. Even if you do manage to figure out what the problem is, they always seem to refuse to cooperate. Here’s a typical baby’s thought process, recorded using high-end technology. (Not really.)
“I’M HUNGRY I’M FUCKING HUNGRY GIVE ME FOOD NOW”
“Oh, cool, you’re giving me food.”
“Wait, is that food? OH GOD IT’S HEADING RIGHT TOWARDS MY MOUTH”
“I NEED TO GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY MOUTH AND ALL OVER YOUR FACE”
“SPITTY SPIT SPIT MOTHERFUCKER”
“Oh, you’re walking away now? Well, guess what, asshole.”`
“I’M HUNGRY I’M FUCKING HUNGRY WHY DID YOU STOP I NEED SOME FUCKING FOOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
As you can see, babies have been found to often ask for something, deny it, and ask for that something again.
One problem is that babies don’t talk. They just scream and cry. Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“BUT ISOYA, A BABY’S BRAIN ISN’T EVEN FULLY DEVELOPED YET! THEY CAN’T EVEN TALK AT THAT AGE!”
Right. That doesn’t mean it’s justified. It’s still annoying as hell, and always will be. My point is, babies are stupid.
That’s all for now, folks! I hope you found this post to be extremely offensive. Feel free to challenge my thoughts in the comments.